Agility Trepidation

I did not attend agility class last week. It was a long week-end, the weather was cruddy, I had just started structure work with Trigger, and I generally felt like everything combined was not a good recipe for success on that night.

The last week has had its ups and downs and now we find ourselves at Monday again. I don't have the same excuses to not attend. In fact, I can't think of a good reason not to. Which is probably why I have preemptive butterflies in my stomach.

Since the daycare incident, the only other dog that Trigger has been around is Cannon. Ivan encouraged me to continue agility with the precautions that we were already taking (Trigger works on leash and the only time he runs the course off leash is when other dogs are not on the course). The one class that we did in this fashion went smoothly. The only real downside is that I don't feel that we're getting the "full experience" but that's obviously an issue that is perceived by me and not by Trigger. I'm pretty sure he doesn't actually know the difference or know that anything is different between how he is treated compared to other dogs.

I know that I should go. I'm just so scared. It's stressful having to be on guard. I think it's harder because I can't actually SEEM like I'm on guard, because then he'll pick up on it. I have to have an aura of calm and confidence around me so that I can properly lead Trigger. I know how important that is. It's a very interesting lesson in "putting on a brave face" when you're actually quite torn up inside. Not to mention my own human issues - "oh, I wonder what all the other people in this class think of this".

I wonder if they wish I just wouldn't come back.

I wonder if they feel that I'm making a negative impact on their experience.

I wonder if they think I've made a mess of things for Trigger.

As has been said before, I spend a lot of time in my head. I over-analyze situations, am prone to maximizing, and generally assume that other people think the worst of me. It is entirely likely that the above three statements are untrue; but the potential that my presence makes a negative impact on others really eats at me. I want the opportunity to learn and I want the opportunity to grow with Trigger in this environment. But I don't want to think that my doing so comes at a cost to other people.

I digress. The only real way past these fears is to meet them head on. It's certainly easier to not do so; but I think that does a disservice to myself personally, and in particular to Trigger. I know for a fact that he has enjoyed learning agility and for me to take it away from him because I'm scared, that's not right. Jen (our instructor at Sherwood Barks, who I highly recommend) has been gracious enough to allow us to keep going there and I really should meet that challenge head on.

It's not really progress if you don't challenge yourself. I can say that this has been a good day or a good set of days or that Trigger is doing well, but if we don't keep progressively upping the ante, then what does that really mean?

In other, less rambling news, Trigger took a deuce this morning that included what appeared to be a large number of paper towels. I have no idea where these came from or how he consumed them in their entirety, but he was the bounciest I've seen him in a while afterwards. Go figure.